Why Do I Keep Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People?

Imagine your heart as a magnet, and emotions as tiny iron filings. It seems that for some of us, this magnet is irresistibly drawn to emotionally unavailable people. What’s the deal with that, especially when we are in relationships?

We tend to question ourselves innumerable times when we start recognizing and realizing that there is a pattern following us. That pattern is getting attracted to and choosing emotionally unavailable people in relationships.

Every time we come across an emotionally unavailable person, we find ourselves drained out and tired, among other things.

But we need to understand a simple fact: You cannot expect them to provide you with the things that you need because they are not capable of doing so.

A lot of factors play a role in a person being emotionally unavailable. Insecure attachment styles, personality disorder, or symptoms of childhood trauma are telltale signs of someone who is emotionally unavailable in relationships. 

Human psychology is a complex web of desires, and sometimes, we find ourselves irresistibly drawn to what we can’t fully have. Emotionally unavailable individuals have a certain mysterious allure that might seem like taking up an adventure.

But what you don’t understand in the moment is that you are going on a path of confusion, disappointment, and emotional insecurity. We believe that if we can fix them, or win their hearts, we’ll have achieved something extraordinary.

Don’t try to rationalize something that you know is already irrational.

If you find yourself in a cycle of attracting avoidant, emotionally unavailable partners, try to remember your childhood.

Recall that time when you were a child, and you craved love and attention from a distant parent or caregiver. It’s fascinating how early experiences shape our emotional templates. 

If we grew up with emotionally distant parents, we may subconsciously seek out similar patterns in adulthood. It feels oddly familiar, almost nostalgic, a comforting echo of the past, even if we very well know that it’s not fulfilling.

If an adult you looked up to during childhood did not nurture and care for you the way you needed, you might face a subconscious tendency to choose relationships where your partners treat you the same way in adulthood. And because of this it makes you believe that on some level if you’re not working for love, you don’t deserve it.

So you try to rewrite the past, repeat those patterns with your partner and hope subconsciously or unconsciously for a different outcome. 

This is referred to as “repetition compulsion”.

If you want to work on resolving conflicts in your interpersonal relationship and improving your emotional intelligence , click here to Book your Appointment and work with me. 

Message From Bivita

• Don’t go out of your way to try to fix something that cannot be fixed. Their emotional unavailability is not something that you can fix for them, nor is it something that they can change quickly and easily.

• No relationship can grow if one of you is lacking emotional intimacy.

• Don’t waste your time with those who don’t want to commit and who actively resist commitment.

• You continue to attract emotionally unavailable people and hope for a different result every time, which leads you to risk more damage to your confidence and question your self-worth.